I wish you knew that I'm simply tired.  Weary of my burdens. For each smile that I make a little more of my soul withers away into nothingness. Years of putting on a facade of happiness has not been kind. And even then I smile - to deter questions or fit in. But I no longer do that; it's not hard to tell if you've known me personally for a while. There are times the world is too much, and I retreat from the world, withdraw into my own shell of cyclical musings. Each memory bears down upon me like the blows of a sledgehammer, and I crumble to pieces.

I wish you knew you shouldn't place your faith in me. That a broken vessel like me will only fail you when it's finally drowned. I wish people didn't depend on me. They don't see the latent melancholia, the propensity for intense rage, the potential for despair. I wish you knew the reasons I'm broken. But you never will, I'll never tell and they'll be mine to secure. In any case, they're not for me to divulge.

I wish you would realise that you have a wonderful family. That most of you out there have a great family. That your parents love you. That you'd reciprocate that love and not be a rebel. I wish you knew how precious each family member actually means to you. I wish you'd appreciate them, before it's too late. Life is fickle. They might not be around forever. So stop bitching about how you lack freedom. How they're restricting your life. How they're not willing to give you more pocket money. Trust me, these won't be on your mind when they're gone, permanently. And yet every time I tell you this, you think it's a joke. You don't know what it's like to feel the tears edging their way to the corner of your eyes whenever your friend's parent(s) treat you nice. You don't know what it's like to be on the verge of breaking down when you see a child's delightful laughter as she cruises the narrow pathways on the back of her father's rusty bicycle. (It just seems right for me to point out right now that my parents are both still living, if you're starting to assume otherwise.)

When I grow up I'm want to, and am going to be a good person. I'd make sure my children never have to go through the experiences I had and have. Even if Fate is out of my hands, I'd be there for them, always. I'll give them all the opportunities I've never had. I'll be an awesome parent, not an absent figure. Materialism is rendered insignificant in the light of familial relationships.

I detest people who indulge themselves in their pitiful problems. It's the strong people that press on without complains. Find yourself bitching all the time to everyone about how your life sucks? Shut up. If you're always complaining you're probably the one with the most superficial shit of all times.

I hate insensitive people. Talented? Don't be a show-off. Pretty? Don't dress like a slut or worse, act like one. Clever? Be humble. Your gifts are a blessing to you so that you can effect positive changes in the world. They are not given to you so that others are made to feel inferior or inadequate. Your immaturity is a abominable stench that all are averse to, and even then you persevere in your elitist mindset. Feeling great about putting others down now, aren't you? Don't worry, you won't succeed in life, that's a fact for you.

Death fascinates me - before I came to know Christ and even now. Its allure lies to escapism - imagine the immediate resolution of all your hurts and agony! Yet I had sense enough to know I'll only hurt those that are left behind. And now I have a God I believe in with all my heart.

I wish I could make you understand how God is real. That I know His presence so well, that He has revealed to me His presence in undeniable ways. That His unconditional love is always available to everyone. I wish I possessed the burning passion I once had to share His truth - a desire buried deep in the recesses of my heart under layers of pain. That my hurt lies in comprehending His timing in my life, not an existential doubt of God's omnipresence.

I wish you would recognise that Christians aren't all extremist. We don't hate gays, and we most definitely don't touch children. There're so many things most of us aren't, and you guys are so willing to parallel us to them on the most strenuous of links. I understand those who have undergone personal negative experiences with Christians, but those who jump on the bandwagon of vilification are, to be honest, very irritating.

I wish you knew how much I love you if i consider you my friend, or even acquaintance. That I'd do anything to make you feel happy when you're down. That'd I'd give the world to bring back a smile on your face. I wish you knew how emotional I truly am, that the things you say or do matter to me more than you can ever imagine. I wish you knew I always try to think the best of people until they prove me otherwise. I wish you knew you're one of the reasons I live for.

I wish people knew how beautiful they really are. That you're not perfect, but you don't have to be. That God loves you for who you are, and if it helps, I try to emulate that too. And so do many others who are able to perceive beyond the pretentious veneers of external 'beauty'. Just be who you are.

I just wish you understood, a little bit more about me.

p.s. i know the one thing i'll wish for in the morning - wishing i never wrote this down.