Too much to ask, that i don't care for a day? :/

erm guys you are not serious the number of visitors on my blog spiked because i said i was gonna post something slightly /wrist? x.x c'monnnnn

bless y'all anyway and belated merry christmas all (:

oh well no angsty posts because i have awesome friends whom i am eternally grateful for.

thank you God for miraculous timing and stuff (:

alright folks stay up if you will for yet another lengthy exposition of my sad sad life which i will begin writing at 3 because that's the prim and proper time for all melancholic chaps with a tale or two to ramble off into on the internet. adios, till then.

urgh i'm so unfaithful to God it irks me so bad D:

the party was great, really. so much fun and it was meaningful too (:


but i don't know why but i'm missing you so bad right now and it hurts.

i don't know how i'm spending so much time till so late HAHA but whatever (: life is good.

bahhhh what am i doing, being irresponsible and all :/ life sucks but that's no reason to disappoint others anw
i'd promise a great long awesome hot sauce post tomorrow but i'm sorry guys life is just a hectic mess of poodoo right now and i hardly know what i'm doing anymore. till next time folks (:
-
and you were right, btw. you were right all along and i was too stuck up to acknowledge that.

HAHA supposed to write a good post today but I guess i'm going to delay that for another time. Dragon Nest is just too addictive lololololol i need a new hobby! The books i'm reading now are supposed to be awesome literature but I can't appreciate any of them I think i've regressed #failatlife #somebodysaveme

Those with a Tender Heart

I struggle to balance "hardness that destroys and hardness that saves", as Piper says it. Bah i'm sleepy and not making sense to myself, gdnite world and god bless (:

All in for a lengthy post? I've been meaning to write one for the longest time but I need all the energy I can possibly have tomorrow. Seeya fellas.


And welcome back to Sg (:

This is a beautiful song. (:

even if my dreams will die.

I love tumblr it's like everything I want to say, except I don't actually say anything :>

didn't think about it, I just went on with it.

when did this happen, i don't know you anymore.

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 


Made in His image :)


God bless you everyone!

hmmmmm planning and inviting people to a Christmas party is hard work but it'll all pay off in the end (: pray that the party will be a successssss!

If I could, I would.

I know I keep repeating myself but I'm still thanking God for all my friends why are all of you so wonderful ahsiog;nergo;reibneo;bnioe;bjo;iba

God is amazing and so are my friends :)

You think that you know me, know me, know me.

I know what holds me back and I thank God for everything He has done in my life.

Always.

mwahaha first day in a while i'll be sleeping before 3 :>

Have a great time back in Taiwan, btw. (:

The stuff I tumblr and the things I blog about make me feel like I'm a little girl sometimes ):

L4D2 with ara was beyond awesome but gosh am I bad at that game XD

Weary beyond comprehension or description but placing everything in God's hand anyway.

It's when you've lost everything when you gain it all.

Verse of the Day: Philippians 1:21

"For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

Death can be appealing to some but as long as I live Christ is the only answer.

I cannot help but think of you and be sad because it is night time ): wish you were here now.

Not quite sure I should be writing this post right now, I'll need to wake up early tomorrow to a tiring week.

Maybe that's why I'll need this. :)

Always on the verge of breaking down but also always remembering everything that holds me together - God and the great friends I've been blessed with and way too lucky to have (:

I've been at church camp for the last three days so I haven't been posting much. Well actually two rather than three, seeing that somebody didn't want to respect their promise or my opinion. No matter.

This last camp has been a superb blessing to me, I've been straying too long. Still am, kind of. Where to begin, so many things happened over the last few days heh.

I could start with the groupings, i guess i will :) For Day 1 i was grouped away from my entire cell group (who were all placed together) to be with nessa's cell, who are all really nice but i wanted to spend more time with my youth cell which i've been seeing less and less :/ for those who know me, i treasure my relationships with old friends far more than the opportunity to make new friends :) i can't deny it though, i've always wanted to meet more church youths since I didn't grow up in FCBC and thus kinda know less people than everyone who went through Gkidz and stuff. I'm not the super outgoing time either, it can get so awkward talking to people sometimes I rather just die in some remote corner D:

Only managed to be around on Day 1 for dinner, didn't even get to stay for the night activities but it's all fine and in God's perfect plan so i'm chill :) glad to have the chance to know my classmate's cell better at any rate! And their cell leader looks ridiculously young what the I thought she was an A-leaver!! She's married with a baby what the what the ): I must be getting old sigh. Or maybe she's just so short such that I thought she was young HEHE xD

And I haven't mentioned it yet but the facilitators (officially termed 'sub-comm members' but whateverrrr) are really really awesome people who deserve many awards for being everything awesome. I just repeated myself. This is my uncaring face D: Reuben and Vanessa (the facilitators for my group then) went wayyyyyy out of their way (lol) to get all the group members to know each other and shizz which i personally found very amazing despite having been in such camps or even plan stuff with some uber-passionate OGLs. The effort they put in to ensure no one is left out is astounding. And why do almost all my adjectives start with "A" D:

Arghadhsifo;wergr I am totally going to regret blogging tomorrow. Or rather, later today. I always do, but I blog anyway coz I'm cool like that. Sleeping late is the new cool :D so please don't kill me for my rants and rambles as I forge on to cover the camp before everything is forgotten :)

Was playing indian poker (which btw is not a racist game to those who don't know!) with everyone in my dorm, and I didn't lie a single time to anyone but i ended up as the one doing the most forfeits )< does not pay off to be nice D: christmas carolling to the entire church congregation of another church staying over at the GB headquarters with Li Yu was super epic though, he beatboxes #likeaboss heh. Dancing in front of the two SIM? SMU? girls with Lance and Adrian was just awkward ttm though what kind of forfeit was that?! Reuben you monsterrrrrr D:

Oh dear Lord I've barely covered dinner of the first day I haven't even started on any activities zzzzzzz can i sleep now :( alright time for summary:

1. Made many new friends. Iz happy.
2. Slept very little. Iz tired.

Still reading Atonement (ian mcewan or smth) and it's a draggyyyyyyy read. I've been on it for over a week and I'm still not done (i do have to admit i haven't been reading much :>) why do book suddenly appear so long ): i think i'm one for intense tragedies, but simple ones because i don't appreciate many literary classics that people keep telling me are good ): ): i try to read, i do but they're just so boring ): i think the last book i really enjoyed would be Hitchhiker's though, now that was a hilarious read.

And I'm talking about Atonement because i fell asleep on a bench outside my dorm at 4.30am (thereabouts!) reading it while lying down on the stupid bench that was thinner than me (it's not difficult to be that xD) and i only woke up around 15 minutes later urghhh. Too many angsty thoughts flooding my mind then, as usual, but I'll leave the details for another post :)

3. Interacted with my youth cell more. Iz happy +1

and that about sums up church camp without the most important part. Last morning's (yes, last morning sigh why does time pass by so fast!!) devotion/quiet time/QT (becauseitsoundslikecutieandi'masuckerforcutethings).

1 Corinthians 13 is a chapter that holds great significance to me, being one of the first few chapters that stuck to my memory since my spiritual birth. Love is patient, love is kind and all that, i aspired towards all that so hard then and I.. well, obviously fell short, like most people do. God however chose another section of this chapter to speak to me. I can memorise it :)


7 - Protect, trusts, hope, perserveres. These are the key words, the full verse is "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."


Love protects. That's pretty simple, no? My first impression upon this was maternal love, which can get overly protective, but stems from a remarkably deep bond that is often unconditional in nature. It's a natural response to desire to defend those that you love. It's an instinct that most possess. I had no trouble reconciling with this. Love protects.


I'm leaving trust to the last because it's the one I'm struggling with so bad.

Love hopes. It does, doesn't it? You have high hopes, expectations and standards that you want your loved ones to live up to. You hope for only the best to be in their lives. With regard to self, hope is more difficult to handle. I'll lump that with trust.

Alright let's just tackle the last three together.

Trust. Really, trust. I can confidently state that I trust certain friends with everything. Not that I share everything with them, but I know they're there for me when I need them. I don't doubt that, I don't ever doubt them. I'd do the same for them without fail either, I know that too. If I could I would, there's no question about motive, only ability. Betrayal hurts though. I'm sure those who have experienced it know only too well. The sheer sting. The confusion - why would that person do something like that? I'm no wordsmith - I'm not great with language or at writing. I'll just describe it simply, I'm too lazy to bother about how I write right now. The wounds sear your very soul, the scars they leave are lasting. You don't forget. It gets more and more difficult to trust each time you feel betrayed, especially by those you thought would never. Should never. It's still a long shot for me, to place my trust again in people I feel betrayed by.

Hope. What am I to hope for? After having dealt with everything, having accepted and come to terms with everything, am I to hope again? Hope for what? Hoping for restoration of relationships. I guess it's simpler than I thought, I just lack faith heh.

Perservere? I'm tired. Again, only by God's grace have I walked this far.

All of these random straggling thoughts and more kept coming in waves and I ended up wondering how I can have such a perfect love for others.

But I don't have to. By the Holy Spirit we are blessed with God's love. His compassion, His grace, His mercy. Love the world with His love, for my love is not enough, and never will be. It is limitless, it cannot be bound. It is God.

Through God all things are possible. Needing this love more than ever, to deal with what is past and what is to come.

And before I forget, God bless you, random reader :) I'm not sure what exactly compels you to read my blog but may only the best of blessings fall upon you for the week to come. Be happy (:

wah why my previous few posts so angst O: nvm fresh start fresh start! by God's grace :)

back from church camp :) :) :)

fun and meaningful three days (: will update more later if i'm not feeding my gaming addiction~ :D

Honour, honour and honour. The Bible tells me to honour my parents, and I do try. God knows I do, so very hard. It's difficult, no one said it'd be easy, I certainly don't expect it to be. Life at home has not been the best of experiences for days. Months. Years. And everything is still spiraling downwards.

I've been having the thought that sometimes God just wants to bless those around me at my expense. I love the word/phrase(?) that nick told me, "world-weary". Not world-wise or the like, I am anything but that. Just tired. I seem to be saying that too much recently, but it's alright.

I'm beginning to enjoy trials and tribulations now, I genuinely am. I've seen how troubles pull others away from God, but I've never been on that path before. Struggles pull me closer to God, they only make me stronger. Through Christ all things are made possible. Hard truths that keep Singapore going.

---

I keep ending up writing and deleting consecutive posts because everything's too personal for a public blog and I'd have to agree with myself there. And agreeing with myself is pretty creepy but it's 3 in the morning and I've got the right to be creepy. Well not really, but still! I like to talk to myself and there's nothing you can humanly do to stop me >:

---

Why bother seeking my opinion if you don't care? You say you do but it's almost as though you're out to hurt me. If I didn't know better.

Living on 2 hours of stolen sleep for the past two days, I know I have to rest but I couldn't care less. 

Tired but you never seem to give a fuck anyway.

Paperthin Hymn

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the lord

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
Over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
Over and over
These thoughts run through my head

I won't be there forever.

enough angst wtp. it's a girl song but who cares it's kinda happy.

i don't even know why i'm listening to this i don't even enjoy this genre heh.

Lingering Still by She and Him :)

I like to learn things slow
I like learning a lot 

I like to get it all again and in the end you know you get what you got 

I like to mean what I say 
But it dont always come through

Cause if I say it all again again again it doesnt make it more true

And the worlds like a science and Im like a secret 
And I saw you lingering still, still
I saw you lingering still 

Its all just news to me 
Dont really care if it hurts 

Cause if I knock it I wont know it, then I know that it will only get worse

He was different at first
But then he wont understand 

Because hes never gonna know me if he doesnt want to just shake my hand 

And the worlds like a science and Im like a secret 
And I saw you lingering still, still
I saw you lingering still 

And the worlds like a science and Im like a secret 
And I saw you lingering still, still
I saw you lingering still 

And the worlds like a science and Im like a secret 
And I saw you lingering still
I saw you lingering still

This world is too much noise
It takes me under
It takes me under once again
I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no

You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord

Too many thoughts rushing through my head, i don't know where to begin. I never knew where to begin.

Well, no better time to blog than when i'm slightly angst-like and teen-ish because i don't do happy posts and that's how i roll.

Sometimes i feel like writing letters to the people dearest to me, things i'll never tell them. But i read somewhere writing these kinda stuff borders on suicidal tendencies and i'm pretty disinclined towards that. Nonetheless, it is a tempting choice (writing letters!), it's the sort of relief one attains with personal diaries (that reminds me, where's my old one o.o) or just putting down one's thoughts into actual words. Which must be what i'm doing now. Hooray for self-awareness :>

It's difficult for me to grasp the Bible still, i don't expect it'll get easier in the years to come. Anger, vengeance hate - these come so naturally to me that sometimes i have doubts that these are separate from what i am and should be. The undeniable elation in executing flawless revenge schemes, wallowing in sinful joy as the little kinks in your machinations fall perfectly into place. The gloating that comes afterwards. It's hard to remove these feelings, but I do somehow, only by God's magnanimous grace.

---

You don't know how much you've hurt me, and you probably never will. I care too much and too little to tell you anything at all.


I thought i saved you but the delay only made it worse, didn't it? If it means anything i wish i stayed, i wish i was a better friend, a better man. I should have been there longer forever, i'm so sorry.


You left me. It took years for you to fade, then the nightmare. It was your eyes. Visceral, commanding, piercing through my disarray of unformulated arguments. Those maroon tears, graced on your face. The relentless torrent of rain clouding my view, my forsaken mind. Darkness, aphotic. The riveting intensity of eyes so soft and warm. Unbearable. Unceasing. Undulating waves, narwhals and rainbows. Unicorns and shit. Which incidentally still are rainbows. I just spoiled this paragraph and this is my Uncaring face telling you I care.

And there you have it, three tear-jerking angst-ridden emo-cloud-overlooming-shizz posts that are so sad i demand you to cry right now. And my english sucks but i'm cool like that. Also cryptic since they can't possibly be read by the people they're meant for. I love being mysterious because cool guys don't look at explosions obviously are.

You don't understand but i never expected you to.

Didn't think my fashion sense was that bad ): pretty much screwed for prom hehe~

and kais if you read my blog REPLY YOUR WHATSAPP D:

Insomnia back on full swing.

Well done shao, well done.

oh no you don't.