Too many thoughts rushing through my head, i don't know where to begin. I never knew where to begin.

Well, no better time to blog than when i'm slightly angst-like and teen-ish because i don't do happy posts and that's how i roll.

Sometimes i feel like writing letters to the people dearest to me, things i'll never tell them. But i read somewhere writing these kinda stuff borders on suicidal tendencies and i'm pretty disinclined towards that. Nonetheless, it is a tempting choice (writing letters!), it's the sort of relief one attains with personal diaries (that reminds me, where's my old one o.o) or just putting down one's thoughts into actual words. Which must be what i'm doing now. Hooray for self-awareness :>

It's difficult for me to grasp the Bible still, i don't expect it'll get easier in the years to come. Anger, vengeance hate - these come so naturally to me that sometimes i have doubts that these are separate from what i am and should be. The undeniable elation in executing flawless revenge schemes, wallowing in sinful joy as the little kinks in your machinations fall perfectly into place. The gloating that comes afterwards. It's hard to remove these feelings, but I do somehow, only by God's magnanimous grace.

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You don't know how much you've hurt me, and you probably never will. I care too much and too little to tell you anything at all.


I thought i saved you but the delay only made it worse, didn't it? If it means anything i wish i stayed, i wish i was a better friend, a better man. I should have been there longer forever, i'm so sorry.


You left me. It took years for you to fade, then the nightmare. It was your eyes. Visceral, commanding, piercing through my disarray of unformulated arguments. Those maroon tears, graced on your face. The relentless torrent of rain clouding my view, my forsaken mind. Darkness, aphotic. The riveting intensity of eyes so soft and warm. Unbearable. Unceasing. Undulating waves, narwhals and rainbows. Unicorns and shit. Which incidentally still are rainbows. I just spoiled this paragraph and this is my Uncaring face telling you I care.

And there you have it, three tear-jerking angst-ridden emo-cloud-overlooming-shizz posts that are so sad i demand you to cry right now. And my english sucks but i'm cool like that. Also cryptic since they can't possibly be read by the people they're meant for. I love being mysterious because cool guys don't look at explosions obviously are.

You don't understand but i never expected you to.