Melody

So glad to be able to play my favourite piano duet from Secret with Cheryl, learn how to play inversions from the talented Zheng Jia for worship songs, sing along to John who's new but picking up chords really quickly, and even playing another simple impromptu duet with Lyn. Music and fellowship is the best :)

I came here with a heavy heart but I'll just learn to let go, and let God.

2 months more. Until then I will tell myself - you are worth it.

You know so much but understand so little its a tragedy.

counting my blessings/ i always count you twice

feeling weird but strangely blessed. glad to have so many communities of Christ. anticipating the upcoming lessons.

Week 2 here I come.

Set a fire/ In my soul

God has reminded me time and time again that i am truly blessed. And it is truly amazing as well how I walk away feeling dejected all the time, but receive His covering anyway.

I thank God for the opportunity to catch up with my youth cell - that I can clear up misunderstandings and loose ends from years ago, but even to fellowship with them has been a huge blessing for me. I've always felt at home when I'm with them, and I reckon I always will feel that way. It is great - warmth and welcome are a huge part of being in a community :) all of them play a different but big part in my life as a group and as individuals. It is wonderful to see how we've all grown and where we are now at any rate. From discussing about church and life to having dinner together, then jamming and making the effort to ensure im not alone for dinner the next day too :') I'm very touched haha.

Speaking with Lance was pretty cool too, i'll never understand why we have so much to talk about with so little in common, but that's just how our friendship rolls I suppose. Beyond all the insights and snippets of wisdom, i simply just treasure the sincerity and openness. And the fellowship. It is also inspiring to see people my age so passionate and on fire, and I can only pray for the same zeal and fervour to serve (:

I guess I'm just blessed through the friends and people that surround me - as I feel I always have been. God has been gracious in my life.

God, help me to seek more and more of you in the days to come.

there are so many things on my mind, yet this post from three years ago sums up about everything I have to say to anyone even now, with the exception of the first two paragraphs.

http://resonanceoflove.blogspot.sg/2011/09/wish-you-knew-that-im-simply-tired.html

God bless me with rest, I know I need it.

So, what does it matter to you anyway?

I walk into the chapel, excited for a new day of lessons. I have been waiting so long for the lectures to begin proper, to simply bask in the presence of God while absorbing new truths and to grow wonderfully and to wean new understanding from the Old Testament that I've never read properly. I'm thirty minutes early, and I take out my laptop to take down the things I have read on the way to church so I can refer to them at ease at a later date. I am excited at the prospect of being passionate about learning more about God's word. I don't believe I have been exposed to detailed expositions with such clarity before. I am, beyond reasonable doubt, elated to be in this place.

He walks past, and gives me a look - and in his gaze I saw it all. And why wouldn't he? Is it not easy to judge, to pass over another with utter disdain, to disregard flawed understanding and look down on another? It is, really, simply too easy. I read your eyes. "Obnoxious. Show-off." I close my eyes for a moment as you passed by, a little overwhelmed by the surge of emotions. It stings, but I let go, again.

He walks into the chapel, and sees me. He chooses to sit behind me. The silent rejection burns far more than I expected it to. I tell myself it would have been awkward anyway, and continue tapping away at the keyboard. My eyes begin to glaze over. I am weary.

He looks expectantly at me, and I happily adjust my chair slightly to ease his entrance into my row of chairs. He sits two chairs away. I didn't know who he was, but I was happy anyway to have someone near me. Minutes later, he leaves, sparing me the slightest of glances so that I would shift again for his exit. I shift my wandering eyes back onto the screen and glue them there. The tiny letters wave at me, welcoming, warm. Yet there is little consolation in one's own thoughts.

I open my eyes after worship, and I see his bag beside me, laying on the table. My heart skips a little beat. Perhaps Someone would sit beside me after all. The worship session ends and he moves forward only to take his bag away. He goes to the back to sit with some girls I do not know, and I cannot help but wonder why he placed his bag at the front in the first place.

The lesson begin, and I close my eyes for a moment.

And so I sit alone in the corner of the class, all the way at the front yet invisible to the eyes of many. 

I tell myself daily that this is your church, and this is your people that you love so dearly. That each of them are brilliant and wonderful and amazing in your eyes, and all your beloved children. So God, help me to love them too. Help me put aside my pride, my desire for attention, my craving for fellowship. Help me to reconcile with the emotions churning within my being. Help me to be full in your Spirit and Presence, and not live on the approval of Man.

Why, why does it burn so.

原来不是一场杯具

Wow autosave. Hence the new title.

-

It breaks my heart to see my parents so tired, slaving away for my future. I want to tell them to stop at times, but stop myself instead. Unconditional love is exactly that - it asks for no returns. God help me keep both your word and their heartbeat, and to be a better child.

-

Yesterday was the first day of bible school, and it was far from the experience I expected. Negatively so. I don't want to be judgemental but I am, and I genuinely feel that there are many who are simply there without the proper reasons and motivations.

It does not help that I have been places in a group where it seems that most already know each other, and is also filled with youths. I wanted to be in a group of adults whom are far more mature than me, but I suppose that was an unhealthy expectations and a selfish desire to personally benefit and grow more.

I thought that I would be excited to meet new people but that wasn't the case. Not having many female friends, I thought I would be excited to meet girls my age in church - but that wasn't the case.

God, help me to love your church, and stop judging others when I have not even had the opportunity to know them better. I relinquish every negativity.and commit tomorrow into your hands.

一场杯具

Wow I lost my entire post because I wanted to type my post title in Chinese. So I shall let it summarise my deep thoughts and my first day in bible school. God willing, let tomorrow be better.

Birthday wishes

I am thankful for all of you. It's been so long since we last met as a group of eight, and I could trick myself into believing we are all back together again in junior college, if only for the slightest moment.

I already dread the coming of August and September, for I have never had a good track record with goodbyes. I don't think I can bear the emotions then. But what I can say now is thank you for being in my life, and that I have been more than blessed to have you here.

The fountain pen is lovely, but being with all of you was the greater joy.

An Owl and His Glasses

I believe this is long due. A little reflection, and remembrance. It's my first (second?) day as a 21 year old anyway, what's to give?

I have had a blessed life. God has given me much. And the first of them all would be family. It's not something I will talk about here - my personal testimony is, alas, personal still. Nonetheless, I have learnt to release forgiveness to others, and myself. I have learnt to let go of anger, because it destroyed me from the inside. I have learnt that I have someone I can trust and put my burdens on without guilt or fear of condemnation. It was not the easiest of journeys, but I have got this far. I now know that family is to be treasured, that I have the most amazing parents of all times, and a sanctuary of uncompromising love.

And I have had friends a plenty. Be it primary, secondary, junior college, or army, I know God has blessed me abundantly with people who care for me. And whom I care for. Even with my looks and all, God knows my physical deficiencies, I've never been bullied or made fun of in negative spirit. People around me have always been loving, accepting, wonderful. If you are reading this, you probably are one of the amazing people I thank God for to be in my life. Truly, thank you. I never understood why people would enjoy talking to me, I never felt particularly likeable as a person. Yet I am constantly amazed by all of you. I hear of the judgemental people, yet never seem to be placed together with them.

I want to remember some of the amazing people who have been in my life.

My friends from Red Cross, you will always hold a place in my heart. Looking back, many of the things we went through were small and inconsequential, but we overcame so much together. Many of our seniors were not the nicest of people, and in all honesty treated us in ways we pledged to ourselves not to follow when it was our turn to lead. Yet it was there I met the best of people. Hadi, the first adult I ever respected. I don't say this lightly, you were the only adult I looked up to then and wanted to be like. Hanif, your younger brother, great in his own right, and the best platoon mentor one could have asked for. And then, there are my fellow batchmates. I don't want to name names, I would definitely miss out one or two of you. But all of you are so precious. Rushing ridiculous proposals for D-Ang together, skipping (after-school) classes to hang out, scoring 1st place for Indian Dance, auditioning for CAC, with all the crazy camps and countless stayovers at Sheng Yang's house - I couldn't have asked for a better CCA experience. I'm glad we're meeting up soon after so long.

I came to know you, who wanted to take your own life. I came to know that one can love someone unconditionally, and be caught up in another's emotional turmoil in all willingness. I learnt that love can save another. I learnt that it takes years, even for me, to leave all of this behind, yet I have never regretted this for a moment nor will I ever. If you ever read this, I want you to know this - you are worth it. You are so worth it. And even if you feel that the entire world is against you, I am on your side. I was then, I have been here, and I will always be there if you need me. I only pray for blessings in your life, over and over again, because God knows you deserve it.

To my youth cell: thank you. I re-read my old testimony recently, and it was hilarious in its naivety. Yet, it rings true on so many points. Adrian, you were there to talk things through with me. You were the first adult to ever show concern in my personal life other than my parents. I can never emphasise how much that meant to a young boy like me. Craig, Daniel, John, Joel. The four of you were my first experience with a Christian community, and I could not have asked for a better cell. Fun-loving, yet essentially loving. That is what I remember from being in God's community for me then - love. Thank you for being in my life at a time I felt alone even in the midst of being surrounded.

I have had the opportunity to love someone, and be loved in return. I have had the opportunity to survive the heartache after she left (or was it I, from her life?). I think of her even now, and I miss her. The empty ache is there, but I know it is a desire to love someone physically here and be loved again, and one that God will soothe and placate until it is time.

3C and 4C was crazy. I loved it. We weren't those rowdy classes obsessed with gaming or being trendy or girls, we were simply bonded together. It was my pleasure to be the class monitor in secondary 3, then being outshone by Weng Hong with his daily emails and reminders and generally being good at everything including being nice to people. And he's just one of the many awesome people. What am I saying, all of you were awesome. Words cannot express my feelings, I am no wordsmith.

RJFC was crazy amazing too. My seniors, Sharon and Abhi and all the rest that I have forgotten, you paved the way for us to follow, and set an example teaching us what to do. Yet it was my Year 2 experience that was the best. Planning all the events, meeting weekly to share and edify and pray for one another, to reach out to our friends through our numerous events. Vanessa for being the only J2 willing to take charge and be the responsible adult we should all have been, Samantha for her beautiful art and crafts and for making the most amazing doorgifts, Ying Xin for being so enthusiastic, Jia Ni for being so extremely bubbly, Shi Jie for being a familiar face from outside of school and so reliable, and the rest of you whom I can't think of offhand. Of course, with Joseph being Joseph, leading us all and being inspiring :). To be honest, junior college coincided with the worst juncture of my life then, and school was not easy. You guys made it so much better, although none of you ever realised how much being in a community of faithful servants of God was rejuvenating for me.

And then there is my adult cell. I learnt to grow spiritually, and feed on the word and blessings of God and his people. I saw God at work mightily. I was inspired by the lives of others. And most importantly, I found a family that took me in at my worst moment without the slightest hint of reservation.

And there is the Army. Within the midst of  the most horrible of organisations and rampant injustice, I had a buddy who gave up his life in a gang because he loved his mother. I met a Christian who taught me so much about what it actually means to lead the Christian life. I had another buddy, who is mature beyond his years, convincingly lies to his mother about being arrested, and is more caring to others than he would let on to others. I made a best friend whom I feel comfortable with sharing anything. I see another who gave up his old ways because he now chooses to put his family first. I see those who walk the darker paths in life not by choice but by plight and necessity. I am touched by the people who show me there is light in the darkness.

If you are reading this and wondering why you aren't mentioned, let's be honest now. I probably still talk to you regularly. If I don't, I should be, so drop me a message of sorts. I promise to try my utmost not to be awkward :).

There's so much more I want to say, so many people to mention, and so little time. Perhaps I shall simply end off with a verse, for what better way is there to end than with God on my mind. And so, my birthday verse.

Ephesians 3:16-19

16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

God willing, keep me on Your path forever.